Tomorrow is the day.

I’m not sure how it will go. All I know is that I definitely don’t want to be at work, but I don’t have a choice. I want to get through it without self harming. That is the goal. Self harm absolutely cannot keep happening. It is not an option.

I’m actually having a pretty good day so far today. Early this morning I downloaded an app that counts how long it’s been since you’ve done something - so I am using it to track how long I’m clean from self harming. I like motivators like that and it already helped me after lunch today.

Also, I’m kind of getting a mini break right now because we are playing capture the counsellor and I’ve found what I think is a pretty excellent hiding spot. At the very least, I have 3G where I’m hiding.

It’s 6am and I have barely slept all night because I forgot to put my sleeping bag and pillow in the cabin and it’s been cold and wildly uncomfortable. And yet, I feel okay. I think I can get through this day. I think I can do this.

I am crossing my fingers and desperately praying that I get to stay on site for outtrip on Tuesday. Tuesday is the anniversary and I know I’m going to have a rough time. But I cannot be off in the middle of nowhere at a fucking campsite. At least if I’m at camp, I will feel safe and I have safe spots I know I can go to if I need them.

I called my mom tonight and finally told her that I have been really struggling with this trauma thing. I didn’t talk about the eating disorder relapse or the self harm (because she was so adamant that if I was hurting myself in any way I would need to leave camp immediately). We are going to work out a plan for how to deal with this together.

Ashleigh was the one who helped me make the decision to call her - I was crying in her room and just saying I wanted my mom to be my mom. My mom is maybe never going to be exactly what I need, but I do need to give her the chance to help me.

Down side: I have horrible cramps and I feel like I’m going to vomit and all I want to do is curl up in bed.

Plus side: I have stocked up on Gravol so I can sleep at night.

I’m pretty much ready to head back to work - just killing some time before leaving because I hate getting to Deep Cove super early and having to sit around doing nothing. I’d rather sit around doing nothing in bed. Plus, I’m waiting for my Midol to kick in because cramps are gross and yucky and I hate them. 

"You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try accepting yourself and see what happens."
— Louise Hay (via rainysundaysandcoffee)

Two more episodes and I will be fully caught up with Scandal (about time, right?). 

Yesterday was super relaxing until my late night meltdown and suddenly everything wasn’t so relaxing. I felt drained and exhausted. But, I’m handling it. I took a hot shower and went to bed. I woke up this morning and I’m drinking iced tea and watching Scandal and doing laundry and I’ve just ordered a pizza. I am going to get myself back in an okay place before I go to work. I can do this. I have to do this. I need to be in a decent place because this upcoming week is not going to be easy. Session five is notoriously tough at camp, and Tuesday is the anniversary of my assault. The first time this anniversary has ever meant anything to me and it’s destroying me.

I had another meltdown tonight, but I did actually do something to try and calm myself down. I put in a load of laundry and had a nice, hot shower where I actually washed my hair and shaved my legs. I even did a face mask afterwards. I still don’t feel good. I feel drained - like my whole day of having fun watching Scandal and relaxing has just been wiped out from a ten minute meltdown. I’m going to head to bed and hope that I can sleep off this feeling because I cannot go into session five like this. This was supposed to be my time to relax and recharge and suddenly it’s going in a different direction. 

Anonymous asked:
"If you're in such a bad crisis, why aren't you going inpatient? You don't have to be 200% perky all the time at work. It sucks but you're not alone. Most people who feel bad/struggle with mental health problems work 5 days a week. Maybe you need to learn how to use your energy best. And if things actually are that bad, why don't you talk to your pdoc about stepping up your level of care? If you can't cope with daily life maybe you should be in a hospital?"

I’m fairly sure that there’s no such thing as an inpatient centre for people who are severely struggling with processing trauma. I got through my eating disorder relapse. I’d love to say that I did it through my own sheer will and determination, but that’s not how it happened. I was at a point where I had to choose - my eating disorder or my job. My eating disorder has stolen so many things from me and I refused to let that happen again. I was at a crossroads where I could literally see that it was going to go one of two ways and with the intense support of a couple people and whatever willpower I could muster up, I was able to turn my relapse around. I don’t need a higher level of eating disorder care.

I probably do need a higher level of care, but where do you find that for trauma and self harm? I don’t even know. 

With regards to my job, I work as a camp counsellor with children. Being perky and energy and enthusiastic all day long is literally my job. 

I’m assuming that I will be able to handle life a bit better when camp is over. Camp is intense and stressful and overwhelming at the best of times - even my mentally stable friends and coworkers sometimes get stressed and upset because of the intensity of camp. I get three hours away from kids a day. I don’t get to choose what I eat or when I eat or even how much I eat. I don’t get to go home at the end of the day and relax or unwind and sleep in my own bed. I don’t get to make my favourite meal or go for froyo or stop at Starbucks in the morning. I’m not whining - I really do love my job. But the unique aspects of my job combined with my current life crisis is making things extraordinarily challenging for me right now. 

So, maybe I do need to be in a higher level of care. But I don’t think a program exists. So, I just have to struggle through this. 

Anonymous asked:
"it wont feel as good. it just wont. you do it anyway. maybe this sounds harsh, but you just gotta. you do it when it sucks and when youd give anything to be restricting instead. and eventually, it gets easier. and you find things you enjoy. but you wont at the beginning. and thats okay. this isnt about what feels right. this is about what is right. and it's not right to use those behaviours"

This wasn’t harsh at all, I actually really needed to hear something like this. Does it sound pathetic to say that I basically feel like I need to be reminded daily that self harm and/or restricting is not an option.

This is such an important message and I needed to hear it. Thank you. You have no idea how helpful something like this is for me. 

OMG WHAT THE FUCK JAKE JUST SHOT JAMES.

WHY. NO. THIS IS NOT OKAY.

Anonymous asked:
"So did you decide to get the crutches? I saw your post where you were considering it. Like I said before, you will be sooooo much better off by giving that ankle the time it needs to heal PROPERLY!!"

Answering an old question because I’m trying to clear out my inbox:

Yes, I did get a pair of crutches. I used them for about a day, though. I don’t think I really needed them. I also got an ankle brace and that was actually really helpful, especially at camp. It gave my ankle some stability. The terrain at camp is so uneven, I’m constantly walking around and rolling my ankle, sometimes fairly painfully. Luckily for me, nothing else bad has happened since the sprained ankle (and that wasn’t accidentally rolling it, I awkwardly got it stuck between a rock and two kayaks). 

I don’t have healthy coping mechanisms.

It’s not like I don’t know any - I’ve had enough therapists and sat through enough sessions to have built up an arsenal. Write in a journal, go for a walk, exercise, talk to someone, distract myself with a movie or a book, take a shower, listen to music, scream into a pillow, play solitaire on my phone. I know these things. 

And yet, none of them feel remotely satisfying. I know that restricting and self harming shouldn’t make me feel good, but they do. They make me feel good in a way that writing in a journal can’t even come close to.

If anybody has ever found a coping mechanism that can actually replace self destructive behaviour, please feel free to let me know.