No, I don’t. I went through a phase where I thought maybe I did because my moods swing so dramatically from high to low so quickly.
But that was when I was sixteen and didn’t really know anything about what bipolar disorder was or how it actually presented.
I think I’m starting to realize that the seven years in between inpatient and relapse weren’t actually spent in recovery at all. I would say it was sort of like a quasi-recovery or a pseudo-recovery, but I think I fully believed that that’s what recovery meant at the time. I thought that “full” recovery didn’t exist and that living in a state of constantly hating my body, alternating between eating normally and restricting and binging was the best that I could hope for.
It wasn’t until things got so out of control so fast during the spring that I realized I was never in real recovery at all, and I think that’s why the relapse happened as fast as it did. There were certainly times during my seven years of “quasi recovery” that I wished I could just relapse, but actually being in full blown relapse was so miserable and so terrifying and so awful. It was almost worse than when I was sick the first time because I had more insight into what was going on, but I felt completely powerless to change it. It was harder to pull myself out of that relapse than I thought it was going to be - just getting to the point where I could admit that I was in a relapse and that I needed to change things was huge. I firmly believe that I wouldn’t have changed anything were it not for my huge fear that I would lose my job. I had to force myself to go into the dining hall at camp and eat three times a day and it was hard. Food at camp is not what I would have been choosing to eat at that time - lots of pasta and chicken fingers and burgers and stuff like that. I would have much rather sat and eaten egg whites with a cup of green tea, but instead I was faced with waffles and breakfast sausage.
I’m determined to use this year, my last year of school, to get myself to a place where I can say that I’m recovered - or at least, well on the way to getting there. I’m essentially having to teach myself how to eat properly for the first time in my life and it’s challenging. There are days where I just want to restrict and days where I just want to binge like crazy. But I cannot have an eating disorder for my entire life. I’m so determined to make sure that doesn’t happen to me.
My desk has just been completely taken over with studying stuff for my cognitive psych midterm and I can’t be bothered to pack it all up, so I’ll just be doing my other studying at the dining room table.
When my therapist asks me a question I dont want to answer
finding—freedom replied to your post “Random memory that just popped into my head: When I was like eight, I…”
I USED TO LOVE ZOOM BUT NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO REMEMBER IT. DO YOU REMEMBER THE SECRET LANGUAGE. THAT USED TO BAFFLE ME. ABBI DABBI OR SOMETHING
Literally my favourite show as a child. I was obsessed. I remember they once showed a way to make some kind of water filter and I ended up using it in my grade 8 science class project where we had to make a water filter, haha. Got an A!
OMG YES UBBI DUBBI!
I’ve been writing out flashcards based on our study guide for my cognitive psychology midterm exam (which is on Thursday, ahh). I used to think that flashcards were so stupid because I felt like it took all this time to create a study tool and then what?
Now, I’m realizing that actually writing out all the information is a way of studying - not just quizzing yourself after they’re all done.
Study time, study time, study time.
I’ve spent a few hours relaxing and doing nothing, but now it’s time to get to work. Thirty minutes of cognitive psych and then I can have lunch.
Random memory that just popped into my head:
When I was like eight, I spent quite a bit of time trying to convince my mom that we should move to Boston so that I could be on Zoom (the TV show, because they filmed in Boston). I didn’t even know where Boston was, just that it was in America and I needed to go there.
I didn’t end up having any ice cream last night because I kind of couldn’t be bothered to get out bed and actually get some. So, I had ice cream for breakfast this morning because why the hell not?
I’m actually getting fairly decent at cooking for myself - I was really worried about it, but once I made the decision that I would be eating real food and not relying on only frozen meals, it’s been fine. I’m pretty confident with cooking chicken and tonight I cooked fish for the first time. I made sole fillets and had the fish with rice, grilled veggies (okay, those were frozen, but whatever), and some honey-garlic sauce.
Next step is to shower and do a bit of reading for linguistics (and take notes for Tuesday’s discussion). I’m also planning on doing a bit more cognitive psych later tonight because we have our first midterm exam on Thursday.
And I still need to figure out what to make for dinner, which is probably going to be the most complicated part of the entire evening.
I am such a complete fool, but every time I watch First Position, I really enjoy imitating Miko’s Russian ballet teacher. It just cracks me up every time (and yes, I’m fairly excellent at imitating him).
Seriously unsure of what to have for lunch, there are so many options floating around in my head right now. Grilled cheese, turkey sandwich, veggie and cheese quesadilla, Annie’s mac and cheese, veggie stir fry….
I saw something that radiatingkayla said to someone who asked her for advice - she talked about studying 30 minutes a day per class because that adds up to 3.5 hours per week. It really resonated with me and that’s what I’m trying to start out with this semester. 30 minutes per day per class is 90 minutes total for me, and that should be totally doable.