The church near my house has been ringing church bells every hour and I really don’t understand why because it’s Saturday evening and there are still a few hours until Easter…
Why does this suddenly seem so difficult? It’s like I can’t think of a single positive thing about myself…
1. I’m quite good at my job - I’m not amazing at leading every activity, but I try really hard and I do my very best to make sure that every kid has a really fun time at camp. I know that rotations will only get smoother and easier with time and continued effort.
2. I’m naturally quite flexible in my legs and can do my right splits at any time of day with literally no warm-up.
3. I’m a good writer and it’s one of the very few things that I’m not afraid to be confident about. I’m kind of shy about most of my “talents” or whatever, but I know that I’m a good writer. I’ve always been a strong writer, but I think that I really started getting good at it back when I was like thirteen and I started writing for fun as a hobby. My stories and writing got better with time, and that definitely translated into my academic writing.
4. People have described me as being like a Disney character before. I also hear “cute” and “adorable” quite a bit. I think it’s because I’m somewhat sweet and lovely, I guess?
5. I like to think that I’m a nice person. There are definitely some people I really don’t like, but it takes A LOT for me to be snippy/rude to someone’s face. If we’ve gotten to the point where I’m short with you to your face, you have really hurt/angered me and I’m at the end of my rope.
I swear, it’s a good thing that the people who know me in real life don’t read my tweets too carefully or they would probably be staging a serious intervention right about now. My twitter account reads like someone whose life is spiralling downwards.
I think I’m in between “thought about this at all” and “just want to be your safe, previous weight.” I know that my swimming weight is not attainable or realistic or healthy. I am no longer a high performance athlete and I no longer train twenty hours a week at an elite level. I also have no desire to make myself go to the gym for that many hours a week. If I could have my athlete body back, that would be awesome, I’m not going to lie about that. But again, not attainable, realistic, or healthy. I just have to accept that.
My “safe” weight would probably be my low weight and that is also not attainable, realistic, or healthy. Even more so, actually.
The weight that I’m aiming for is the weight that I was the year I stopped swimming. I ate okay (but certainly not super healthy) and worked out at a moderate level a couple times a week. My weight was about ten or so pounds higher than my swimming weight and I think that would be a good place for me.
I’ve recently developed a total lack of ability to help carry/move kayaks anywhere, like to the point where it’s kind of pathetic. They aren’t even that heavy and I used to be able to move them just fine. On Wednesday afternoon we were all moving kayaks before leaving and I spent like two minutes just trying to pick up this one kayak with Nick and finally he suggested I take the front end - well, in all of my efforts to pick it up and start walking, I literally fell over and ended up lying on the ground. Then, I managed to move two with Josh but it was such a massive struggle and he said that my knees were buckling the whole time and he was actually worried I would hurt myself.
We move kayaks every morning at 8am, unless our first rotation is high ropes or rock climbing, in which case you go and set up ropes at 8am. I made a deal with Ashleigh that every time she has to do ropes at 8am, I will take her place because I would much rather set up ropes than struggle with kayaks. Ropes can suck too, because if you get high ropes, it’s a long-ish walk (that I currently find very difficult and requires good balance and right now I have none), but overall, much better than kayak moving. Lucky for me, Ash hates doing ropes early in the morning.
We’ve actually never covered that in psych - I’ve never taken a class that has gone super in depth into eating disorders, to be honest. We covered them in a couple classes, but not to the point of discussing causes of relapse.
I think I just need to get through finals and get back to work (sadly, I don’t go back to camp until May, which is kind of upsetting and disappointing to be perfectly honest) and this will all even itself out.
I still believe that I can get my body back to the weight where it needs to be and stay healthy at the same time. Things just got a little out of hand for a couple weeks. I can get them back on track, I have to.
I feel like I’m kind of straddling the line between relapse and not-relapse, whatever that place is. It’s kind of stressful because to be perfectly honest, I don’t think I’ve ever been this close to relapse in my entire life. There are some things that are okay - like self harming, for instance. That’s not happening right now (and hasn’t since the cruise, so that’s a good few months), which is a good thing. I am able to get out of bed in the morning and adequately do my job, which is another good thing. I’m not suicidal. I should probably be happy about all of those things.
But, then there’s the fact that I have more trouble with food at camp than I’ve practically ever had in my entire life. I obsessively organize minuscule amounts of vegetables on a plate and basically play with them for entire meals. I push myself (with the support of an amazing roommate who is honestly way too nice to me - far nicer, kinder, and more supportive than I would ever deserve in a million years) to eat the most pathetic amounts of non-fruit or vegetable food. I curl up into a ball in my safe space after meals or I don’t even bother going at all. I freaking purged AT CAMP when I haven’t purged in like five or six years. I mean, what the freaking hell?
Watching Mona Lisa Smile on Netflix. I’d totally forgotten how much I absolutely adore this movie. Next, I’m kind of thinking that it’s a Girl, Interrupted kind of night.
Does anyone else ever create like a safe space? I’ve created/found one at camp and even though people think that it is BEYOND STRANGE, it is remarkably comforting to me.
Basically, we have these shelving units in our cabins for all of our shit and I’ve taken to curling up underneath the one on Emily and Kristy’s side of the cabin, sometimes with a pillow and/or blanket. It’s small and contained and my back is to the wall and it makes me feel incredibly comforted and relaxed and calm. It’s been incredibly helpful to go there after meals to calm down.
No, no, nothing like that - I promise!
My mom is making meatloaf and mashed carrots and turnips. It’s a meal she makes somewhat regularly because her and my dad really like it (and he’s home tonight) but I have quite honestly always hated it. Whenever she makes it, I always, always, always make something for myself instead.
There are just some meals that my mom makes that I honestly don’t like - off the top of my head: meatloaf, meat pie, beef stroganoff. Not for any kind of ED reasons, just personal preference.
Not eating family dinner tonight, so I’m thinking that a veggie burger sounds like a good idea.
One more chapter of cultural psych and then it’s lunch time! I’m planning on penne with organic tomato sauce and then some healthy homemade banana-raspberry ice cream.
If I get through studying early enough today (the plan is to do unit one for both cultural and abnormal psych), I want to go to the grocery store and do a bit of shopping. I’m going to home for like two-ish weeks now in a row, so I should probably get some food.
good luck! I generally do chunks too (amount of studying depending how I’m feeling), it works well if I set alarms for both studying and break-taking.
That’s the plan, haha. I’m using an alarm so I know when to stop studying and for breaks, I’m putting on one episode of a show on Netflix (each episode is like 25 minutes) and then when the episode ends, back to studying I go!