Just got some excellent news this morning - evidently they have found a professor for that one class I wanted to take, so I get to take abnormal psych next year! It makes everything perfect - three classes a semester and I don’t have to take something I’m not interested in for my last psych elective.
Recovery win: I didn’t want to eat breakfast at all, but I ignored my ED and had two English muffins with butter and jam.
I feel fat and gross right now, but it’s still a win.
And right now, I really need a win.
It was an accident.
I was playing with burning a fork to try and make me feel better without hurting myself. I accidentally dropped hot plastic wax on my finger in two places.
In fact, the only reason Kristy and Ashleigh believed it was truly an accident was because even they acknowledged that I wouldn’t have done it on my finger. I told them that if I ever say that I accidentally burned my hips or ripcage, then they could call bullshit.
TW: Self harm
You know what I’m absolute shit at? Coming up with good excuses for self harm stuff. “What’s that on your finger?” “Oh…cooking accident” “Must have been a pretty bad”
Such a bad story.
And just now, I borrowed matches from someone and she asked me why I needed them and I was like “crafting….I had to burn the end of the uh thing I was uh….crafting.”
Like fuck, really? I’m an idiot.
I mean, they can wake me up if they need me - that’s how it works. I still need a good nights sleep, especially at camp.
Luckily for me, we aren’t expected to kind of sleep with one eye open. I think that they would rather we have a good nights sleep - although I don’t think (okay, I know) that my bosses would not approve of self medicating with anti nausea meds.
Today has been less than ideal. I was woken up at six am by screaming boys, I barely slept last night, I didn’t eat dinner, there was a stupid counsellor eating contest, I got my fingers super glued to something and it was a huge deal getting them unstuck, I had to take an Ativan during this stupid carnival thing we did because it was too hot and too loud and too crowded, and I got shaving cream shoved in my face (gross but not so bad until a kid shoved a bunch into my mouth). Also, one of the girls in my cabin is literally the dumbest child I have ever worked with or even met and everything is constantly frustrating.
I will be knocking myself out on Gravol tonight. I’m also seriously battling the desire to self harm right now.
I have realized that two Gravol pills basically knock me out/sedate me. I found out the hard way when I took it during the day, which was an odd and less than ideal experience. At first I felt incredibly sedated and then I basically felt high, I guess. I felt like I was in a cloud and I had no negative feelings whatsoever. It was lovely as it was wearing off.
It’s also awesome for sleeping. I took it the other night and slept like a baby.
Of course, all the things in the world to self medicate with, and I pick an over the counter anti nausea medication.
Guess what isn’t fun for someone with an eating disorder? Eating contests, even if it was an apple.
I switched sections last night and I’m infinitely less happy but whatever. I could not fall asleep last night on outtrip until about half past five and then we were all woken up at six by the boys yelling and wrestling. So I’m not feeling life today. Plus rain.
Also, I had a breakdown yesterday. Just really heavy crying. The anniversary of the assault is next Tuesday. It never used to mean anything to me because I was in such hardcore denial. But processing the assault and the anniversary is really rough for me.
I think that everyone has one hot button issue that they just can’t handle. Mine is people yelling at me. I can’t handle it. It just makes me crumble and it kind of breaks me.
One of the lifeguards today was being kind of a bitch whilst running swimming expertise (which is par for the course). But she crossed the line from rude into completely appropriate when she yelled at me from across the beach. I turned around and burst into tears and just walked away.
I tried to go and talk to her and just explain that I really don’t like when people yell at me, and she totally turned it around and made it all like it was my fault. I could tell it was going nowhere so I just got away as fast as possible and started crying again.
If you have friends who are honestly willing to help you and listen to you and truly want the best for you - be thankful. Ashleigh is more amazing to me than I could ever repay her for and she has to put up with some bratty behaviour from me from time to time when I get pissed.
Today was a rough day.
On a positive note - I love being with disco kids. They are frustrating at times, but I don’t even really feel the frustration. It’s fun. I like working with them and helping them out.
I just want to self harm right now but I’m with people and then I’m going to a cabin with children and obviously that can’t happen. I know that self harm isn’t okay and I shouldn’t do it but at this point, I just need to do it. I am struggling with these feelings and I feel overwhelmed and scared and like I want to crawl out of my own skin.
I haven’t done it in a week - isn’t that a good thing? Maybe the game plan should be to do just do it less and slowly move towards not doing it at all. Maybe quitting cold turkey is unrealistic and setting me up for a big struggle.
I should be able to sneak away tomorrow at breakfast quickly. I know that I will disappoint everyone. I’m just in a rough spot right now.
It’s not binge food. Or at least, it’s not supposed to be. It’s just a junk food stash for Ashleigh and I. I just went slightly overboard at the dollar store.
I’m not trying to prove that I binge properly. I don’t need to prove that to anyone.