I don’t really know what those things are (the things you say that sound exactly like what people with personality disorders say). And self harm is an issue for lots of people, not just ones with personality disorders.
It’s not that I don’t think I will ever get better. It’s more that I’m aware of the fact that I will likely have to manage my depression and anxiety on some level for the rest of my life.
Teaching yoga was an interesting experience this week. I got to teach four classes and definitely got better at it as the week went on, which is to be expected, I think. The kids seemed to really enjoy it, as I had quite a handful of people coming back each day, so that was nice.
My boss thanked me for doing it, but he probably doesn’t realize that he did me a big favour. It was a nice nudge to get myself back into yoga. And I mean, how many people get the chance to do morning yoga outside on the Indian Arm (aka, one of the most beautiful places in Vancouver)? I’m definitely going to need to try and keep up with this whole morning yoga thing.
We didn’t do anything super difficult (the hardest thing we did was crow), but it was really fun. I had a great playlist, so that always helps.
I should probably (definitely) have a shower, but I’m just trying to work up the energy to actually bother getting out of my sleeping bag and walking all the way over to the staff showers to actually have said shower.
Teen week is over, but one of my bosses asked me to stay and work tomorrow, which I’m totally down for. I mean, on one hand, I have to finish cleaning and get on a flight to Kelowna in the very near future, but on the other hand, I am totally up for another day of paid work. I don’t have a job set up in Kelowna yet, so I do need some money to get me through the first few weeks.
The best part is now I get to spend most of this evening relaxing and resting (and watching random shows on my computer).
We had the dance tonight, which always sucks for me. I was assaulted at a dance type of thing when I was fifteen and that type of environment is ridiculously triggering for me. It’s probably my one big trigger that still freaks me the fuck out even thinking about it. It extends to clubs and bars too and my general life philosophy is to avoid those places like the plague (and I have been very successful), but you can’t do that at work. So, I always just kind of relegate myself to walking around the outskirts and chatting with kids who aren’t into it.
Starting my days off with an hour of yoga (outside and in the most beautiful location) has been wonderful this week. I’m definitely fully back into yoga and this week was the perfect push.
I’m tired. Just like physically exhausted. I want to sleep for like twenty hours but I can’t because work and I can’t even really relax when I get home.
Because my mom is annoying, I now have to bus home with all my camp stuff on Friday, clean and then try as get a standby flight up to Kelowna over the long weekend.
I hate her so much right now. I spent an entire week cleaning and packing and apparently it’s still not good enough. I cannot wait to get to Kelowna and have her leave so I can get some freaking space. My mom treats me like I’m fifteen and I am so fucking over it.
The David’s Tea fall collection has arrived.
Must resist the urge to buy everything.
I hate how my mom is one of those people who can take me from 100 to less than nothing in like a millisecond. I feel like parents aren’t supposed to do that.
Another day and more of me crying because of my mom.
She is now refusing to drive me to Kelowna on Friday because apparently my room is filthy. Yeah, after I spent a solid week cleaning it.
I definitely had a rough time with dinner last night. I wasn’t hungry because I had just eaten chips and chocolate and it was one of my least favourite camp meals (pasta night).
I just really hate forcing myself to eat something that I don’t want or like, especially when I’m not even remotely hungry. It just feels like being in treatment all over again. I did manage some of it, though, and that’s only because on of the senior staff people was sitting at my table.